Little thought in the middle of the day

Do you know how it feels to miss someone so much, but you can not do anything about it? How you remember how he used to be to you, and how you remember how much he loved you. To be honest, I don't.
But I'm trying to understand the sparks in her eyes.
I try to understand that feeling, loving someone who used to love you.
I try to understand how it feels to have nowhere to go, stuck in the corner,
I try to understand how bad you miss someone, but you're not able to say it.
That hurts, a lot.
Sometimes, people make mistakes.
You'll never know what you got until you lose it.
Sometimes, everything is just too late. You feel like if only.
And maybe, that's the only thing you can do.
Some people need a lesson :)

Inhibitor

So you and him work like an enzyme. You feel like you both are meant to be together, and you fit for each other.
To you, there will be no one else that would understand you like he does.
And just like enzyme and its substrate, you both work specifically and effectively, creating days full of love.
But enzyme-substrate relationship doesn't go that smooth.
There's this thingy called inhibitor. It has several ways to work in e-s relationship. Inhibitor can takes over substrate's place, or silently 'flirt' with the enzyme and change the active side of the enzyme, and then the substrate will be left alone.
Similar thing happens in a relationship.
But we are neither enzyme or substrate. We can decide whether we want to be interfered with the inhibitor or not.

Sometimes, or in my case,most of the time, the inhibitor is the past. No matter how much I believe that the past stays in the past. It knocks me down.
It pushes me to the deepest corner, and I can't fight back.
It feels like something great is tearing me down, and there I am, left, all alone.
And to be honest, when you love someone, you'll be surprised at how much you are willing to give to that person.
You'll be surprised that you are somehow afraid of losing him, eve though you know that he's not going anywhere.
This inhibitor, is maybe the worst enemy in a relationship.
When you overcome this, you'll be free.
Yes, sometimes you have to be much stronger than you've ever been.

quote "I don't want to leave" unquote

In a relationship, there comes a time when you somehow doubt your partner and the future of both of you.
Time when words aren't enough to describe how you feel,  when you just can't understand why your partner is making you sad.
You think, and think, and think.
And then there's this question
"what if we have to say good bye?"
I wasn't surprised. But still, that thing scares me.
I have been asking this question to God. And I come to a request, sort of a demand.. that if we have to say good bye. Don't break his heart. Break mine.
And so I said, "I'll let you go"
Then there was a long pause.
He answered "I don't want to leave"
Speechless. I try to tell him that if being with me doesn't make him happy, he can leave. It's his right.
I have made a lot pf problems.
In fact, most of our fight are about my schedule. LOL.
But yet he said "I don't want to leave"
Love means sacrifice.
At first I don't understand what's the meaning of it,
but now.. I think I do.
The wind blows hard, the water gets rough.
Yes, we are tired with all those arguments,
yet, we don't want to leave.
I choose to stay.

Dreams are coming true!

And here goes a fact no one is certain about...
Dreams that actually come true.
Just now I contacted someone I barely know online. He and I shared the same dream, he, and I and many other people I never met before, but connected by our similarities.
We love to write, and we make critics to each other's writing.
Who knows that one day, one of us will have his book published?
Life is full of surprises.
As I read his blog : http://alvi-syahrin.blogspot.com/

I realize that it's a long road to a fulfilled dream.
It means thousands of sleepless night and thousands of hard work, sometimes a despair and some critics.
Remember a phrase said "We're dealing with the same hell, just different devil" ?
He said that he ever thought of giving up. But life is a challenge.
And he face it well knowing that his book will be published soon!
Life is indeed a challenge.
We wanted to give up, I wanted to just give it up. I wanted to leave everything behind and maybe start a new thing.
But this is your battle. And we don't quit, we fight.
It's not as easy.
Along the way you'll find someone who'll lend a shoulder to cry on and say some comforting words.
Or someone who will criticize you and tell you to face your own giants.
Either way, this someone usually the same someone, who gives you strength and support, and an endless hugs and love.
Sometimes you just need to say to yourself that you are stronger than you believe you are.
You are tough.
But there will also be times when everything seems to break down and you cannot see or reach for the light anymore. 
Cry, cry a lot.
And when you're done, face it.
Because dreams are coming true. My friend is a proof of that!
It is not cliche and it is real!
Pray, nothing can be done without His presence.
Believe yourself, you are capable.
And work hard enough to make destiny knows that you deserve the sunlight. 

In-control? Under-control?

God has an amazing way in answering my prayer.
Since then and until now, He always have some weird methods to answer everything I doubt in my life.
And I don't have to wait.
He does it in an instant.
The analogy is like this : when I ask Him, "God, I really really want a book, please give me one, amen"
And pop, the next day someone will buy me one out of nothing.
It's true and this similar things happens a lot.
And this makes me wonder, should I be in control of every aspect in my life>
Should I mention every detail I want in my life and future, when or when I will meet someone who makes a big impact of my life? Should I request Him the future I would like to have and how I want to get there?
Sometimes I feel like I don't believe Him enough, and he's just "well, have it you way dear, and see what happens next,"
There was a time when I asked for something and when He fulfilled my wish, things turns to be a mess. And I break down. But until then, I still can't leave things in His hands.
I don't have the courage to say "Surprise me, Lord. My life is in Your hand and You are the driver, I will now enjoy my ride,"
I still want to be in control of everything.
I even mention the detail to Him, how, when, where, I would meet my true love. And I did wrote it down. His age, weight, height, everything.

But then I realize, that I should give everything under His control.
What's best come from His hands.
It's time to sit still and relax for a bit.
It's time to inhale deeply and say "God, I leave things to You"
I admire people who can do this. That they face every trouble with a light heart and forgive people quickly.
People who don't over analyze thing, people who have enough faith to be under His control.
Sometimes life stressed you out, and force you to be on your worst any day.
Sometimes, to be in-control of your life means to have a day when it all fall down.
Your strength, you self-defense, and you cry.
Maybe it is good. Sometimes.
But not every time, it makes you a drama queen.
Let it out, cry hard, but then forgive, forget, move on, and finally, leave it to His hand.
He will takes care of you, and He will guide you.
Be in control of your own emotion, your own heart, and then be under His control, leave things in His hand, it's best to let Him decide what's best for you.
Thanks for reading. Be blessed.

How many chances do you want?

This title resembles what we're dealing with in real life.
How many chances do you want?
One?
You want it so bad, one chance isn't enough.
Three?
Oh, you don't believe yourself, do you?
Sometimes you're running out of chances before you even realize it.
Sometimes you don't feel like giving your best before you are put into a situation in which you are in control, and every move you make is being judged.
And there are times when you feel like you've given your best, but still none appreciate it.
Well, life's like this. Get used to it.
You wonder and wonder, when will I get the chance like everyone else?
You wonder too much that it pass you by without you even notice.
Or, you focus way too much on what is ahead you instead of giving the best for now, and again, that chance pass you by on your notice.
Someone once say "you have to exceeds people's expectation,"
And I learn that, to exceed people's expectation, the first thing you must do is believe in yourself.
If you don't, who will?
I often find myself doubting me.
Lots of what ifs, have i done the right thing?
Lots of insecure feelings.
Lack of experience that I'm afraid of my own error.
But hey! You don't get that many chance!
You have to work on yourself, make yourself seen, heard, known of your intelligence and ability.
I know, I make it look easy, while in fact, this has been the hardest thing I ever face in my life til now.
I have pushed to the point when I have to ask, how many chance do I have left?
In real life, things don't always go this way.
The way I see it, when you're young, you get lots of chance, to swim new river, or climb more mountains.
And as time goes by, life that gets in the way, your chance to explore the world is not much.
While you're young, learn a lot, learn new language, be in a competition, do everything that raises your self esteem, anything that gives you a positive affect on your future and to the people around you.
Make your parents proud. That one day you'll look backward and regret nothing.
How many chances do you want?
This is the question you should ask to yourself.
In the end, it all come back to you.

We've come this far!

This evening my blackberry, my lovely blackberry went dead. And I was like Oh my God, what should I do.
Left with a straight face upon my facial expression.
I was forced to use my old and almost useless cellphone.
Oh come on! it's not even qwerty!
But then, this turns out to be mercy in disguise.
I was bored that I decided to re-read every old conversation in that old ugly cellphone.
And out of sudden, between each messages, I realized.
I grow up, I've come this far.
I re-read lots of old messages from those who have gone overseas, who has changed their city. And I have some kind of emotion that's just .... in-explainable.
We made some promises, some have such a deep meaning, and some, well some made me laugh out loud.
It was the point of silliness. Having no idea at all about what we should do in life.
Back then, when we graduated from high school, we have so many dreams, so many plans.
Now, I'm seeing the dreams coming true and the plans turns alive.
So many feeling, emotion, rush into my vein.
Things change, my point of view changed, and the people I'm hanging around with, also change.
Even that special person we used to have, changed.
But I'm proud of us.
The people I used to see everyday.
Things change, but we don't.
Looking back, I regret nothing.
I am blessed, beyond what I deserved.